Random Life: The Reel Problem

I was mowing my lawn about two weeks ago when my hand-me-down mower decided to quit. I was perturbed, especially considering I finished everything except an approximately 20 square foot section located dead center of my front lawn. I pulled the starter three times, pumped the primer twice, checked to make sure there was still gas in the tank, and then decided to call a time of death. I had been looking for an excuse to purchase a new mower and finally the old beast provided me one.

My wife, however, did not take the death of the lawn mower well. She insisted that I attempt a more serious resuscitation (like the time Jack pounded on Charlie's chest after Ethan hung him from a tree). A week later I took my socket set, a screw driver, and a single beer to the back yard in an effort to reassess the situation. I placed all the items on the ground but was distracted by my lovable dog, Benjamin Linus.

Benji decided he could not tolerate the presence of the mower in the yard so he barked repeatedly and loudly at it. I decided to throw him a stick in an effort to earn some quiet. The first few tosses went well, I threw and he fetched, it was like I had a well trained puppy. After about the fifth toss Benji came at me with purpose and it seemed as if the stick would have taken my feet out from under me if I had not moved. His intention was to fool me because at the last second Benji banked hard right, avoiding me altogether. Then he effortlessly spilled my beer, exploded my socket set, dropped the stick and ran off with my screw driver in a matter of nano seconds.

After retrieving all my scattered tools, minus most of the screw driver's handle with was now in pieces all over the yard I banished Benjamin inside and got to the task of fixing my mower. I removed a screw and was able to take out the filter. It was caked with at least an inch of dark, oily, plant material. When I had sufficiently cleaned it with my bare hands I then wiped my hands on my shirt, and attempted to start the mower. No luck.

I then took a bolt off the engine and attempted to remove the entire block but it would not budge. Next I proceeded to take every visible bolt out of my lawn mower in an attempt to reach something I could clean or replace. Unfortunately it seemed as if with every bolt I removed the engine somehow managed to anchor itself more firmly to the body of the mower. By the time I had unscrewed 16 fasteners of varying sizes I realized I had no idea where any of them came from. I pulled the mower one more time and the engine suddenly broke free of the machine and flew with incredible force until it stopped with a painful thud as it hit me in the stomach.

Once again I declared the beast dead and this time my wife agreed. I immediately grabbed my laptop and hit the internet searching for the best mower replacement I could find for a reasonable price. I quickly decided that I was done with gas powered beasts and narrowed my options to a battery powered electric mower or a human powered reel mower. I figured the best way to get my lawn its greenest was to purchase a green machine.

After some debate with the wife and several YouTube videos I settled on a "Scotts Classic Reel Mower 18 Inch". At $94.00 from Home Depot it was an economical alternative to the $299.00 off-brand battery powered mower they were selling. Assembly was simple and I was ready to mow my now out of control lawn. I took a pass at an especially tall section and felt instant gratification. Grass clippings flew everywhere and I spontaneously sprinted with the mower to take in my moment of triumph.

As I turned to survey the damage I saw to my dismay that the mower had missed 50% of blades of grass. I rallied my support for my new toy and took another pass. This time the mower missed everything. I nervously ran the mower all over the yard, attempting to make a dent in the greenery. It handled the short grass fine, but anything over 6 inches was bent over and then sprung back up after the mower moved on. I mowed the entire lawn as best I could and then used my Toro to cut the majority of the tall grass that the Scotts Reel ignored. Four hours later I decided it was time to return the reel.

The Home Depot had a helpful sign hanging over the returns area which offered possible reasons for returning a product. I decided to go with "Didn't like it". As I heaved the mower onto the counter the helpful worker asked, "Is there something wrong with it?" Reflexively I replied "No" then thought better of it and corrected, "Well, it doesn't cut grass".