Thoughts on Fatherhood

My lovely wife and I recently had the most wonderful experience of our lives as we welcomed our first child into this world. From the moment I met her (in the delivery room, which may require a blog post of its own) I knew my priorities had completely changed for the better. Unfortunately this means less time for coherent blogging. So in place of a well written and edited essay I give you a rushed and random report that paradoxically took me two weeks and three days to compile.

The other night my little lady woke up screaming around 3:30 in the morning. Being the super Dad I am I picked her up and noticed she had peed through her diaper, night shirt, and sleep sack (operator error, I poorly placed the last diaper on her tiny body). In an effort sooth her and get my wife some much needed sleep, I took the baby to her bedroom and began changing her. She must have realized I wanted to help her feel more comfortable and she quietly allowed me to get her out of her wet clothes and diaper. Once stripped down the baby immediately began screaming again and I felt obligated to calm her. I swooped her off the changing table rocked her back and forth and felt the tension melt out of her. Unfortunately, that was not the only thing that melted out of her. Turned out that she pooped all over my lower half and still had enough in the tank to cover fully a square foot of the hardwood floor.

Should I give my child a digital identity? Her name is unique enough that the very act of using it on my blog would make her instantly Google-able. Would she resent me in 15 years if the first thing a new boy learns about her is the fact that she pooped on her Dad when she was less than a week old? Should I sign her up for a Gmail account? Does she need her own Twitter feed, example tweet, “woke up, cried, ate... I love boobs, took a nap, plan to repeat that for a few more days”.

She’s already all over Facebook which means Mark Zuckerberg believes he legally owns the right to her life story should it be made into a movie. Should I make her a profile and friend her, only to give her the reins on her tenth birthday, maybe fifteenth, or twenty-first birthday. If I friend her now, that means I have the keys to her profile, especially if I link it to the aforementioned Gmail address which I can then create a backdoor into if I ever need to spy on my child even after I give up control of the profile.

I loved the Lion King as a child and even though my baby can’t even focus long enough to look directly at me that doesn’t mean I can’t expose her to the most amazing Disney music ever. I would like to warn all future parents however not to listen to the “Circle of Life” while rocking your baby. I’ve had to seriously battle the overwhelming urge to lift her up by her little arm pits and point her towards the sun every time the music hits its crescendo! That’s not even considering the amount of grape jelly I’ve rubbed into her head in the shape of a lion during the break!