Benji Barks Back

As you may known I am the proud owner of a dog named Benji.  Benji named after Benjamin Linus not Benji the cute puppy from the movies I've never seen.  In any event what I'm about to convey in this post is proof positive that he has more than a bit of that guile, manipulation, and pluck that so defines his namesake.

The wife and I make it a point to take Benjamin on 3 to 4 walks a week because we know he's a dog with a significant amount of energy to burn.  Unfortunately since the snow storm and the subsequent freezing weather we have had of late, that's slid down to about once a week. Compounding the problem was the fact that I was sick all weekend and could not attend to my rambunctious pup at all, nor could my lovely wife because she was attending to me.

This all came to a head last night when Benjamin decided to make a stand and strongly demonstrate his concern with the amount of attention he has received as of late.

I sent Benji out the back door as per our usual nighttime routine with the expectation that he would run back in the dog door in two minutes or so after making his nightly poop (he's a dog, did you expect him to make something else?) I would then close the door behind him and tuck him into his crate (he's very cute with the little blanket over his little head).

Benji however was not in the mood for the normal routine and refused to come back in.  This scenario is not unheard of so I kicked the dog door and waved a treat near it.  Benji stuck his nose through the door, looked at me with his one blue eye, and then disappeared back into the blackness of night.

This was going to be more difficult than usual but I decided to wait him out.  I sat in the laundry room, listened to my Ipod for 10 minutes then kicked the door again.  When he poked his nose through this time he yawned in a way that said both I'm tired but you are getting what you deserve and made it look as if he was sticking his tongue out at me.

At this point I did what any self respecting man would do, I complained that my wife never puts Benji to sleep so it was her turn to deal with the problem.  Unsurprisingly, she obliged and I hopped in bed.  What I heard next can only be described as a scuffle that sounded as if nothing less than life was on the line.  When the noise quieted I assumed it meant that my wife had successful put Benjamin in his place (the crate).  

My assumption was wrong.  She executed a brilliant plan that played on puppy weakness, but she did not cover all her variables.  The wife knew that every time she knocked on the back window whilst Benji roamed the backyard, he would dart in his door (a floor below) and appear in the kitchen within 4 seconds.  After initiating her plan with a knock she swiftly moved to the steps (two floors above the dog door, off the kitchen) as Benji raced to the window on the inside of the house to see what was the matter.

Benji rounded the corner into the kitchen and the wife leaped right for him grazing his side and knocking him off balance.  This move unexpectedly had the undesired affect of unbalancing her as well and as she fell off her feet Benji managed to move his back underneath him with adaptive speed and raced back through the dog door before the wife hit the ground.  At this point, unsurprisingly, I was recalled to action.  

The pair of us figured we could outsmart our canine companion and attempted to recreate the window knocking experience only this time I would hide in the downstairs bathroom while the wife knocked on the window in the kitchen.  The pup, however, was on to our rouse and refused to come when called.

This was the last straw.  We suited up and decided to bag Benjamin on his own turf, the backyard.  Benji immediately realized that we had raised the stakes and began taunting us by whizzing all around, getting within five feet of our grasp then turning on the after burners and flying by.  We decided to try the carrot to get him closer but he would not be enticed by any of his tasty puppy treats.

The wife realizing reward was what the pup was after surmised he needed the stick.  She retreated into the house only to return with a squirt bottle that is more accurately described as a hand held fire house.  Once he was within range she attempted to soak him, but he deftly avoided the stream.  Frustrated she shoved the bottle in my face and walked away in a bit of a huff.

From this point forward, the game was on, mono a mono, man verse beast, in a fight to exhaustion.  The only way to stop him at this point was to completely break him down and I had a plan.  I approached him slowly but when the distance closed to just out of spray bottle range (SBR) he'd  take off.  Understanding that his energy must be waning I repeated the process only this time as he darted away I tracked Benji to lock him into SBR.

Direct hit! The heavy stream of water must have upset him a bit because he then began circling me like a bull.  I turned this again to my advantage and got in 3 or 4 more shots with the bottle before Benjamin retreated to the bushes in an effort to catch his breath.  That was when I went all in and sprinted at him while simultaneously spraying the water bottle dry.

He made one last attempt at fleeing and then collapsed in the corner of the yard.  I grabbed my winded puppy and threw all 55 lbs of him over my shoulder.  I walked into the house as if I had won an Olympic medal and proudly displayed my prize to the wife.  

A few minutes later I realized that this entire process had take well over 3 hours and at that moment I swear I heard my dog say, "who's the real winner?" (though it is possible my wife said it as is was hard to hear since I was well into the third verse of "Eye of the Tiger").