Thoughts on Daddy 5

We are more than three quarters of the way through Daddy’s paternity leave and I have not had a decent story to write about in a long time. Since I was hoping to get CBS to purchase my musings like they did with a couple Twitter feeds last year I needed to start pulling strings in order to throw Daddy slightly off balance. When my best friend asked me to go to the Baby Gym I knew I had an opportunity to mess with my old man’s world.

In the time I’ve spent with my father I have notice a few things, he’s a horrible singer, he does not enjoying shaving, and he really likes to be on time. In fact, I would go as far as to say he has a fear of being late. All I had to do to get him off track was extend my nap before we left for the gym. Of course, I was not really sleeping, I was using my Daddy monitor to observe all the action.

We were supposed to leave at 10:15 and my plan was to “sleep” right until then. Once I “woke up” he would have to change me, dress me, feed me, and then pack us up to go. That would mean we could not leave until 10:40 at the earliest, which in turn would drive my father crazy.

At approximately 9:50 Daddy started to pace around the living room. Daddy even distractedly tripped over Benji when the dog wandered quietly into the room. I had been waking up from my morning napping at 9:30 like clockwork so he was concerned. By the time 10 AM rolled around the old man must have decided to wake me because he started to put a bottle together. But since my over nap tactic obviously made him frantic he put it together poorly and spilled the contents all over the kitchen! He had to clean that mess immediately so he was unable to resume waking me until 10:20!

Surprisingly, he was able to get everything done while feeding me, it was a tad uncomfortable, and got us out of the door at 10:40. I was able, however, to hack into Daddy’s google account and tweak the directions he printed before we left. Since his knowledge of the local roads is abysmal I was able to make him drive around in a five mile circle through town as he blindly followed my meandering directions.

Once he found his way out of town Daddy was able to follow the rest of the directions and get to the Baby Gym in short order. We got there only five minutes late which was kind of amazing considering all the obstacles I threw at the old man. Our arrival was somewhat awkward as ten women, twelve babies (two set of twins), and one male group leader, seated in a circle, all turned their heads simultaneously to look at my scruffy father and his delightful daughter.

Thankfully my girlfriend was easy to find so I directed Daddy to sit next to her. After that things got off to a really odd start as the leader directed the parents to sing “The Wheels on the Bus”. Normally my Daddy belts out the tunes but for some reason this time he quietly mumbled the words under his breath. Next he was instructed to stretch me out. I thought that was peculiar considering I am fairly spry as it is but the activity was surprisingly pleasant.

Next we were charged with flying in the superman position, Daddy held me in the air, while moving in a circular motion. While I can appreciate that Daddy was doing this for my benefit, I could not help but laugh at the whole experience, watching him run in a circle, while holding me, and trying not to step on all the cameras of the proud mothers that littered the floor of the little gym. He was an absolute clown. After that, they put us on a “parachute” but it looked more like a circular blanket to me.

It was there that I saw Bradly. He was a bit older, nine months, but I felt an instant connection. As we lay there on the parachute, I reached out for his big bald head and stroked him behind the ear. Daddy was a bit flummoxed by this and pulled my hand away. Undeterred, I reached again and this time accidentally stuck my finger up Bradly’s nose, my hand/eye coordination is still developing. Daddy then unfairly ripped me away from my love and plopped me down next to my girlfriend. Suddenly the chute began spinning on the floor and I grabbed my friends hand for balance but my heart was three spots over with Brad, who was now crying because he apparently got motion sick.

I attempted to make contact when we moved over to the balance beam but his twin sister, I forget her name so let’s just call her “Butt-head” jumped between me and my beloved. She wanted to know what the deal was between me and her brother but I explained, through pantomime, that she needed to mind her own business. By the time Daddy and I were rolling down the wedge shaped mat, this was a weird place, I knew I had lost my opportunity. Bradly was now fascinated by some 10 month old floozy who could crawl!

At least I could take solace in the bubbles that were blown around the room. I had never seen a bubble before, but I imagined that it is what a fart would look like if they were not invisible. Of course seeing a bubble pop for the first time was a bit shocking. I realized that bubbles were not like farts, they are like hearts, because the bursting bubbles were the perfect metaphor for how my heart felt. I just realized I might be a bit Emo. That is going to drive my Daddy crazy!